Not So Tantastic

Everyone knows that a you look healthier and slimmer with a bit of a tan. We also know that sun exposure and tanning beds are really bad for you and make you look old and haggard. The solution to this confuddling conundrum? Fake tan.

If you dare...



I've tried the at home method before, with streaky results. So, for a special night out I thought I'd go with the professionals and get a spray tan. I've got a naturally pale complexion, some say reflective or transluscent, but I'll go with English Rose. So I opted for the slightly lighter 'Gold' shade of tan.

After my waxing experience I wasn't overly shy about stripping to skin and putting on a paper thong but I guess some people might find it an uncomfortable experience. With paper stuck to the bottom of my feet I stood in the little pop-up tent and was blasted with two coats of Ronseal, sorry I mean Diva Tan, by a chatty blonde. It was cold, it smelt bad, and it went in my eyes. After a few minutes stood in front of a heater to dry I got dressed in my baggy clothes and slid home looking like a dirty hobo.

I was forbidden to shower that night and had to sleep with the vile chemical smell all over my sticky skin. In the morning I quickly jumped in the shower and was dismayed to see how dark the tan had gone. Less 'Gold' and more 'Tree Bark'. I scrubbed and scrubbed but alas the stain wouldn't budge.

I looked jaundice, dirty and more than a little bizarre. I felt disgusting and no matter what I did I couldn't get rid of the smell.

An embarassing couple of days passed before my scrubbing finally began to pay off and patches of lovely fresh white skin began to show through. Now, two weeks later, I'm finally feeling back to normal. My advice? Embrace your english pastyness and stay away from fake tans!